Sunday, December 2, 2012

playing catch up to continue falling behind.

I think about this blog often but even though I have the time I neglect it. I have a ton of things to say but sitting and actually typing them out hasn't exactly been a top priority. Not that what I say is of any importance.

Things have been going well for us, at a nice and steady pace. There have been a few hiccups along the way but nothing too traumatic. A little over three weeks ago our big boy (who continues to get bigger with each passing day) turned 3. It's hard to believe we've reached yet another birthday but I'm glad we're here. :) Baby #2's ultrasound was scheduled for his birthday. I wasn't exactly thrilled about finding out, I was okay with not knowing, but my grandmother who lives out of state wanted to go with us and I can't turn her down. Especially after they drove 9 1/2 hours to get here to be a part of Vann's day. I had an uneasy feeling that morning (thankfully the sonar was scheduled early!) but tried to supress it. I was convinced we were having a girl because of how different this entire pregnancy has been. At first the technician had a hard time finding the "parts" so she wasted some time checking out all the organs/muscles/measurements. Finally she revealed it was a boy- and I began crying. Thankfully it was just a few small tears that leaked out while everyone was in the room.
Once they left and I was put into another room I lost control. I was truly devestated. The nurse who was with me was wonderful and compassionate. She helped me regain my composure and assured me I was not a bad parent/person for being upset. I think what made it the hardest is how my husband and his family reacted to me being upset. It felt like they had major attitude because my reaction wasn't what they wanted.
It pissed me off and hurt even more. I read some messages that were sent between a few family members commenting on how me being upset was "an embarassment to the family".... I wanted to scream a big ol' "F You!" to each an every one of them...but didn't.
I have every right in the world to feel how I want to feel about WHATEVER I want. It's not my fault or problem if they do not know why I'm upset but do not mistake it for something else. I'm not some cookie-cutter, people pleasing person.
*FYI: I know that people will get pissed off at me for being honest. I was truly disappointed that we were having another boy. I understand that the possibility was there, but I was so hopeful and confident it was a girl I was not even contemplating a boy being in the mix. So save snarky comments for someone else.

It took me a few days to get into the 'boy' mode and not cry whenever someone asked what we were having or when someone would talk about how great it is going to be to not have to buy new things. :/ When I tried to explain why I was disappointed to anyone it seemed to make things worse, so I quit trying.
I'm good now. I'm excited about our new boy coming (even though I am seriously outnumbered) and the things little boys bring. I'm not looking forward to getting pee'd on again when the air hits them, but if that's the worst of what I've got to look forward to...then I think I'm okay. ;)
Our newest struggle is trying to pick out a name. Our first child's name was so easy.. there were absolutely no second thoughts. This one is a completly different story. We are at two totally different ends of the spectrum with no compromise in sight. ha. We've asked our oldest child for input but his suggestions won't even count. He's obsessed with Mario so everything is related to that. His favorite name is: "Mario Luigi Bowser Princess Daisy"
...and that's exactly why we appreciate him trying but his suggestions are void.


1 comment:

heather said...

i knew you were really upset and however that hasnt happened to me it did happen to lydia when she found about brylee and i know it will happen again with this one if she finds out its another girl. you are able to get upset if you want. that doesnt mean you wont love your baby and people need to understand that. i cant wait for yall to pick a name. i know it will be just as awesome as vann's :)